Some posts attract spam like bees to honey. My recent post using the words "calling cards" worked like gangbusters.
I am quite diligent about deleting spam.
That's not to say it's worthless. In fact, it can be pretty entertaining.
The fractured grammar and syntax; the generous helpings of malapropisms; the absence of even the most tenuous logical link to the subject at hand; the clumsy compliments; the absurdly ingratiating tone: the list of clownish qualities just goes on, and on.
It's truly not such bad comedy. Inspector Clouseau raised malapropisms and fractured accent, syntax and syllables to the status of revered high comedy (at least for some of us)...
Does your dag baiite?
I've decided that we all deserve to be amused, to bask in the silliness. Why should I horde all the fun and keep it to myself? It doesn't seem right.
The problem with spam is that it's always so jarringly out of place. There you are having a chat with your friends, sitting on a patio (here they are "terrasses" -
vive la différence!) enjoying some Sangria, basking in the warmth of the sun, exchanging pleasantries, and then this far-too-earnest, type-A clown sits down, honks his rubber nose, and peers into your friend's purse inquisitively. That's spam.
Now give spam an appropriate context, and the whole thing might flip around. Drag that clown back to the circus, throw him in the ring with a lion or two, or, if you have a large number of clowns, let them drive themselves into the ring in something fitting like an original Austin
Mini, or a Fiat
Cinquecento. That'll get some belly-laughs for sure.
Sometimes it's not the act, it's the venue. This post will be my spam honeypot. The ring, if you prefer.
How more specially ironic could it be for a post on spam to attract... spam?
To demonstrate my serious commitment to this post, and to the topic of spam, I bought some
Spam on a whim. I hadn't had
Spam in a very, very, very long time. I must have been twelve, thirteen tops. I only ever liked it sauteed in a pan, so that's what I did.
In its defence it has a very delicate moist texture and acquires a nice golden crust if you treat it just right in the pan. In hommage to
Monty Python, I made myself
Spam and eggs. Well,
Spam and egg, actually, over easy...
Well how about Spam, eggs, sausage and Spam then? That's not got much Spam in'it!
Let's look at its qualities. It's hermetically sealed in a can, but remains quite easy to open, even without tools. That's a plus if you're ever stuck on a desert island with a shipment of
Spam but no tools
. That's it, that's all I've got.
On the liability side of balance sheet, getting
the
Spam out of the can was less easy than I would have liked.
Moving on to flavour and nutrition, well it wasn't quite as entirely delicious as I remembered, and nutritionally there's something about the sugar content that's off, that, and the chemicals. The good news is that you can get your entire monthly sodium requirement put to bed with a single slice. How's that for culinary efficiency!
In the end,
Spam is to elegant dining what spam is to a good beach novel.
Spam might earn a permanent spot in your emergency preparedness supplies though. That said, you might prefer a decent varmint rifle instead. That will help to keep your starving neighbors at bay, and give you an opportunity to hunt for tasty small game, like squirrels. Regrettably, there is no known alternative use for spam. Except maybe this post.
If, in the fullness of time, this post does attract its share of spam, I'm going to leave it be.
All that's left to do is bait the trap. Have you tried online gambling? I hear it's better than Las Vegas! Escorts in Vegas are only $49.95 an hour!! I'd go there in my monster truck as long as there was plenty of ammunition for my guns, and liquor for the evenings. I think I'll use my calling card, no wait, my credit card, I pay it off so it's free credit, to book a room. Or I could wait a few days and take out a payday loan. I wonder if they've updated the porn channel at the Super 8...
That should just about do it.
My advice to you, my good reader, is enjoy the spam comments, but, by all means, don't click on the links. No good can come of it. Like inviting clowns to a formal dinner.
Does the clown association have a gala with awards?