Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Spam anyone?

Some posts attract spam like bees to honey.  My recent post using the words "calling cards" worked like gangbusters.

I am quite diligent about deleting spam.

That's not to say it's worthless. In fact, it can be pretty entertaining.

The fractured grammar and syntax; the generous helpings of malapropisms; the absence of even the most tenuous logical link to the subject at hand; the clumsy compliments; the absurdly ingratiating tone: the list of clownish qualities just goes on, and on.

It's truly not such bad comedy. Inspector Clouseau raised malapropisms and fractured accent, syntax and syllables to the status of revered high comedy (at least for some of us)... Does your dag baiite?

I've decided that we all deserve to be amused, to bask in the silliness. Why should I horde all the fun and keep it to myself?  It doesn't seem right.

The problem with spam is that it's always so jarringly out of place.  There you are having a chat with your friends, sitting on a patio (here they are "terrasses" - vive la différence!) enjoying some Sangria, basking in the warmth of the sun, exchanging pleasantries, and then this far-too-earnest, type-A clown sits down, honks his rubber nose, and peers into your friend's purse inquisitively.  That's spam.

Now give spam an appropriate context, and the whole thing might flip around. Drag that clown back to the circus, throw him in the ring with a lion or two, or, if you have a large number of clowns, let them drive themselves into the ring in something fitting like an original Austin Mini, or a Fiat Cinquecento.  That'll get some belly-laughs for sure.

Sometimes it's not the act, it's the venue.  This post will be my spam honeypot.  The ring, if you prefer.

How more specially ironic could it be for a post on spam to attract... spam?

To demonstrate my serious commitment to this post, and to the topic of spam, I bought some Spam on a whim.  I hadn't had Spam in a very, very, very long time.  I must have been twelve, thirteen tops.  I only ever liked it sauteed in a pan, so that's what I did.

In its defence it has a very delicate moist texture and acquires a nice golden crust if you treat it just right in the pan.  In hommage to Monty Python, I made myself Spam and eggs.  Well, Spam and egg, actually, over easy... Well how about Spam, eggs, sausage and Spam then? That's not got much Spam in'it!

Let's look at its qualities.  It's hermetically sealed in a can, but remains quite easy to open, even without tools.  That's a plus if you're ever stuck on a desert island with a shipment of Spam but no toolsThat's it, that's all I've got.

On the liability side of balance sheet, getting the Spam out of the can was less easy than I would have liked.

Moving on to flavour and nutrition, well it wasn't quite as entirely delicious as I remembered, and nutritionally there's something about the sugar content that's off, that, and the chemicals.  The good news is that you can get your entire monthly sodium requirement put to bed with a single slice.  How's that for culinary efficiency!

In the end, Spam is to elegant dining what spam is to a good beach novel.  Spam might earn a permanent spot in your emergency preparedness supplies though.  That said, you might prefer a decent varmint rifle instead.  That will help to keep your starving neighbors at bay, and give you an opportunity to hunt for tasty small game, like squirrels.  Regrettably, there is no known alternative use for spam.  Except maybe this post.

If, in the fullness of time, this post does attract its share of spam, I'm going to leave it be.

All that's left to do is bait the trap.  Have you tried online gambling? I hear it's better than Las Vegas! Escorts in Vegas are only $49.95 an hour!!  I'd go there in my monster truck as long as there was plenty of ammunition for my guns, and liquor for the evenings.  I think I'll use my calling card, no wait, my credit card, I pay it off so it's free credit, to book a room.  Or I could wait a few days and take out a payday loan.  I wonder if they've updated the porn channel at the Super 8...

That should just about do it.

My advice to you, my good reader, is enjoy the spam comments, but, by all means, don't click on the links.  No good can come of it.  Like inviting clowns to a formal dinner.

Does the clown association have a gala with awards?


  1. I don't have spam for you... I am vegan ;-)
    But you put so many trigger words into your post that you'll get plenty.

    Let's get out the popcorn, lay back and enjoy the show.

    1. Watch Sonja, the spammers will avoid the bait.

  2. "In the end, Spam is to elegant dining what spam is to a good beach novel. "

    You must have never been to Hawaii where Spam is a premium ingredient in some circles.

    1. My deepest apologies to Hawaiians everywhere.

      That's next year's destination. At least I have a year to make amends.

    2. Actually Richard, the Master Chef competition did a segment in Hawaii, and if I'm not mistaken Spam was a required ingredient.

  3. David:

    In NL Spam is known as Newfie Steak. We had a Newfie breakfast when we were there and it was about an inch thick piece of spam (steak) and eggs.

    We went to a few Hawai'ian grocery stores and I snapped a few photos of their Spam selection. They had shelves of different brands. Here in Safeway they only have a small section.

    You seem much happier these days contemplating your new Liberal government

    A weekend photographer or Riding the Wet Coast

    1. Bob, now we really have to get to Hawaii.

      What I want to know is, did you enjoy the 'steak' and eggs?

      And yes, I am much, much happier.

  4. :) That Should just about do it.

    We live in Spam homeland but I'm a lot more interested in that other of which you seek. I receive many spam-type visits on the blog but the built in filter does a very good job of screening the worthless.

    1. Doug I knew you live in the Hormel heartland.

      I hope I didn't tread too heavily on sacred mid-west lands.

  5. I actually shared this wonderful piece of spam on Facebook and considered a post on my blog as well. For your amusement: ""An accident while cycling changes all that; however, Bell
    helmets will give you the right riding clothing and position a
    rider can protect their testicles. If you cycle on the right foot in a
    race by any means. In January 2005, team sponsors met at a hotel or
    resort on your holiday. Simply including some aquatic plants
    in the aquarium will take care of all bike issues ofthe cyclists.
    Yet getting the best shoes for cyclocross pedals racing- for now!" "

    1. Yes Rob! That's what I'm talking about... bring it on spammers, do your best (worst... wurst?).

  6. I too have to chuckle at some of the spam contents. Most are screened out by blogger but I go into the spam filter and read/delete them for amusement.

    I have a post I did on the garden several years ago and the feature plant was a Black Lace Sambucus (Elderberry). Wanna guess how much spam I get on a post title that includes the words 'black lace'?

    1. Thanks Brandy, that comment will rope'em in, if anything will.

  7. OMG! I laughed so hard I spit my coffee across the counter! Ha ha!

    I never thought about it. Key words, that is, attracting these weird replies to my blog. Now I get it!

    Anyway, your pic of meaty Spam in the frying pan reminded me of my childhood. My mom used to fry it up and serve it with eggs and tomatoes.

    And you're right, it is quite tasty with a crispy shell and a soft, warm interior. God only knows what it is made out of.

    I don't wanna know. Don't tell me!

    Hilarious post!

    1. Thanks Deb, much appreciated!

      Now if we could just get some spam...

  8. David - Great post! I too last had Spam many decades ago, fried or in school lunches. I'll have to try some again just to see how far I've progressed(?) from my Spam-eating days, but that will require the missus to be out of the house for a day or two as I'm not allowed to have many of my childhood favourites in the house (in addition to Spam those would include canned spaghetti and Kraft Dinner). But I digress. This post should attract all sorts of good stuff for your amusement for, as Inspector Clouseau also said, "There is much more going on here than meets the ear.".

  9. Dave, Kraft Dinner! I loved it the first time I tasted it, and I still love it! Along with bread, it's my only food constant.

    I kid you not, based on the setting where I first ate it, I couldn't have been more than four, because my sister who is five years my junior wasn't born. I love Kraft Dinner.

    Fortunately I'm being such a good boy losing weight and eating healthy stuff, that Susan looks the other way when I do silly things like buying a can of Spam.

    When I was in private practice one of my partners had a client who often mixed his metaphors. The gentleman wore a wig, and not a good one, if you know what I mean.

    Try keeping a straight face in a client meeting when your client in the bad wig exclaims "man, that makes my hair spin!!".

  10. I have had no spam since I put this post up. Nothing. Not on this post, not on any post.

    Could it be that overtly posting about spam acts as a disturbance in the matrix that wards off spam?

    Maybe posting about spam puts the spammers in the awkward, uncomfortable and unusual position of realizing that their spam post will actually have some perceived value, which causes neural confusion, preventing them from posting.

    It could be like lions extending an invitation to hyenas. It's just possible that would be enough to keep them away.

    The food chain and the jungle can be a peculiar and perplexing place.

    1. Did you cause a ripple in the spam-time continuum?

    2. Brandy I was hoping I had, but the spam just keeps coming. It was just a blip. I'm waiting for some good ones and I'll stick some in here. The ones I've gotten and not nearly bad enough to be worth re-posting.

  11. Here's one! I'm cheating a little. I just fished it out of the spam filter:

    "Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone! Feel free to surf to my webpage; Party Hairstyles"

  12. David:

    I don't get much spam. I get money offers

    Dear Sir / Madam,
    My name is Salah Giuma Yahmed of Libya. I am a Personal Aide to the Late President of Libya, Col Muammar Gaddafi. Until his death I was directly responsible to the late President in charge special duties. I handled several funds deposits to banks and Security Companies for the Late President in Europe, Africa and many other countries for his private use. Presently the government of Libya has started discovering some of the fund the former Leader stashed out of the country.
    Read below: http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/06/02/us-safrica-libya-idUSBRE95107R20130602
    In the course of my duty I personally diverted twenty five million United States Dollars for my personal use. The money is presently deposited with a Brokerage and Finance Company in South Africa as classified document and family jewelries for safe keeping. I am presently staying in Europe where I am seeking political asylum.
    I therefore solicit your understanding, cooperation and assistance for the release of the Twenty million five hundred thousand United States dollars into your nominated account for a partnership investment with you. The fund would remain in your full custody but not without written agreement until I obtain necessary travel papers. For your assistance, I have two options. Firstly you can choose to have 20% of the total money for your assistance. Alternatively I go into partnership business with you. In all, a binding agreement would be drafted and agreed upon, duly signed by both parties.
    Upon your immediate response, I would be communicating to you all the necessary information and relevant depository documents with the company. Please note! It is very important you appreciate this rare trust borne out of desperation for my life and continued survival of my family. Please treat with understanding and utmost confidentiality for security reasons. Your reply to: giumasalah1@mynet.com
    Your prompt response will be appreciated.
    Sincere regards,
    Salah Giuma

    A weekend photographer or Riding the Wet Coast

    1. Bob, now I know how you finance your stable of cool bikes and fast cars.

    2. David:

      then why is my diet Kraft Dinner ? with meat balls ?

      A weekend photographer or Riding the Wet Coast

    3. Bob, because KD is the most democratic of all foods. You'll find it in all pantries, from poor to mega rich, and loved and eaten by people from every background. It's genius!!

    4. Okay, now you got my curiosity up. What is a "Kraft Dinner"? Mac & cheese?

    5. Oh dear yes, mac n' cheese. e-mail me your address and I'll send you some. david@masse.org

  13. I find this post very informative and helpful. What a wonderful blog you have written, so full of useful information. I find the use of (insert product here) very advantageous when I am riding my motorcycle because it is a very fine and useful thing.

    1. Gary, your spam post is excellent, and most welcome here. Nicely done :)

  14. I get these weird responses to my posts too!

    I would in no way be able to duplicate them-you guys are hilariously on target though!

    Yeah, what is "Kraft Dinner"?

    1. Deb, it's sold in the US as Kraft Mac & Cheese.

  15. Finally, a spam post truly worthy of re-posting here:

    "Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Selecting a scooter":

    What i do not realize is actually how you are not really much more well-favored than you may be now.

    You're very intelligent. You know therefore considerably in terms of this topic,
    produced me individually consider it from a lot of numerous angles.

    Its like men and women aren't fascinated unless it's something to do with Girl gaga!
    Your own stuffs excellent. All the time care for it up!

    Feel free to surf to my website; carbon fibre bike evans"

  16. Hi David ,
    Hope alls well...spam..umm
    I don't understand what a Kraft dinner is ??

    1. Len, according to Wikipedia it's sold labelled as "... Macaroni Cheese or Cheesey Pasta in the United Kingdom, [it's] a packaged dry macaroni and cheese mix..."

  17. Another doozy just came in:

    "Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "A winning bid!":

    I simply cοuld not ցo away your website prior to suggesting that I actuakly
    enjoyed the usual info a peгson supply on your guests?
    Is gonna bе again regularly to check out new posts

    Ѵisit my weblog - sac evelyne hermes occasion"

  18. Hi David ,
    Thanks for the update on Kraft - dinners ....I now know what you mean;)
    As for the comments/spam above what do people gain from putting useless comments on your blog....another one I don't understand ?

    1. I know Len, it's nuts. It's one of the mysteries of the internet. I'd love to know more. I imagine they are semi-literate people, maybe kids, in some backwater third world slum, paid pennies to post drivel on blogs all day with links to pirated fake luxo goods, video games, and other flotsam.

  19. This just in:

    " Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "A winning bid!":

    Hi there, just became alert to your blog through Google,
    and found that it's truly informative. I'm gonna watch
    out for brussels. I'll be grateful if you continue this in future.
    Lots of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

    Also visit my website Naruto games (edmangoodrich.Tumblr.Com)"

  20. And another:

    Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Project report: Installing a Stebel Nautilus Compa...":

    Hi there to all, the contents present at this web
    site are in fact awesome for people experience,
    well, keep up the good work fellows.

    Also visit my homepage Child Bike Trailer On Road

  21. I enjoy reading through a post that can make people think.
    Also, thank you for permitting me to comment!

    My web-site :: Www.Rebelmouse.Com/Familysurvivalcoursereview

    1. Anonymous, you're welcome. And yes, it does make you think. The weird thing, is that you're right, your comment, while it is spam, is also relevant to the post. In that way, it deserves to be published.

      Strange, no?

  22. Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Late September Sunday Magic":

    Thank you for the good writeup. It in reality was a enjoyment account it.

    Look complicated to far added agreeable from you! By the way,
    how could we keep in touch?

    My site - good content

  23. Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Steve Canyon":

    It's awesome to go to see this web site and reading the views of all friends concerning this post, while
    I am also eager of getting knowledge.

    Also visit my weblog - mice infestation health risks

  24. Another doozy:

    Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Selecting a scooter":

    I was recommended this website by my cousin. I am
    no longer sure whether this post is written through him as nobody else recognize such exact about my
    trouble. You are amazing! Thank you!

    my homepage: http://ryansdeckbuilding.blogspot.com/p/deck-finishing.html

  25. Sometimes spam is just gibberish:

    Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Bob!":

    to make or in prescribed situations. examine for
    groundbreaking slipway to united them in a day in and out of screw, as you see supernumerary charges on your car
    with auto protection tax, because they are acquiring.
    It is vanquish for your fashion sentience
    and keep your quotation printed circuit measure Coach Factory Online Coach Outlet Stores Coach Outlet Online Store Coach Factory Online Coach Outlet of your internet site,
    internet site, emails and also that they ordain avail to observe you on everything caught up.In require Of A reconstruction? have These Tips
    purchasing has turn faddish for your expose.
    You can be utilitarian for your swear statement!
    purchasing property online that is much fitted just about

    Here is my blog Coach Outlet Stores

  26. I do not even know how I ended up here, but I
    thought this post was good. I don't know who you are but definitely you are going to a famous blogger if you aren't already ;) Cheers!

    My site :: mobile games

  27. As amazing and absurd as it seems, Google may be enlisting spammers to promote itself:

    "Having read this I believed it was very informative. I appreciate you finding the time and energy to put this content together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worthwhile! Here is my web site: google (google.com) on Vespas, Cryptography, Bitcoins, Patches, and Me"

  28. I have been browsing on-line more than 3 hours lately,
    but I by no means found any fascinating article like yours.
    It's pretty worth sufficient for me. In my view, if all
    web owners and bloggers made good content material as you did, the net can be
    a lot more useful than ever before.

    Feel free to visit my blog post ... download garry's mod

  29. An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a colleague who had been doing a little homework
    on this. And he actually ordered me breakfast because I stumbled upon it for him...
    lol. So allow me to reword this.... Thanks for the meal!!

    But yeah, thanx for spending time to discuss this
    issue here on your web page.

    my page ... boom beach cheats iphone

  30. Speed X 3d battle nations hack is one of the fireballs in the mobile device.
    Doodle JumpCute, addictive and often battle nations hack a
    point of time. Mobile games industry is to copy and paste, video gaming?
    The mortgage and retail industries call on inkless fingerprinting to aid in identification requirements.

    Review my web blog ... Battle nations cheats android

  31. Awesome blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring
    writers? I'm hoping to start my own blog soon but I'm a little lost on everything.

    Would you recommend starting with a free platform
    like Wordpress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices
    out there that I'm completely overwhelmed .. Any
    tips? Many thanks!

    My website :: wordpress themes free 2014

    1. Dear Anonymous,

      You've left me lost for words. I feel drawn to reply to your polite plea for assistance, yet it's so clearly obvious you need no such thing.

      So it's fitting, I suppose that a disingenuous call for help receive precious little in the way of a helpful response.

      Making this exchange entirely useless. 'Content free' would be an appropriate label if it could be bottled and sold on store shelves.

  32. Aw, thiѕ waѕ an extremely good post. Spendіng some time and
    actual effort to make a superb article… but what can I say… Ι put
    things off a lot and never sеem to get nearlyy anything done.

    Lοook into my weƅ paցe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi1QqcSzUIk

  33. That is very attention-grabbing, You're an excessively professional blogger.
    I have joined your feed and look forward to
    in the hunt for more of your magnificent post.
    Additionally, I've shared your site in my social networks

    My site: Boom beach hack tool

  34. Do you have any vіideo off that? I'd care to fund ouut morе details.

    Feel frree to surf to my homepage - pella windows rv replacement blinds san francisco

  35. free cell phon reverse e-mail lookup d and b number lookup phone book
    ct need address for a mobile number how can i find a person phone number is there a
    cell phone number directory

    My weblog - yellow pages email

  36. kentucky court records instant online background check how to search for criminal records for free how to get criminal background check
    how to obtain a background check on someone johnson county court records lookup
    people for free

  37. local people search how to search for someone for free los
    angeles public records illinois public records criminal look up background check for
    free i need a background check how to get a criminal background check on someone

  38. Vous n'avez pas à vous soucier d'être banni du jeu à
    l'aide de votre outil Hack.

    Also visit my weblog - Cliquez ici pour lire

  39. Language is our defining human trait. It has such power.

    Then again, there is spam.

    This one leaves me scratching my head : “constantly i used to read smaller articles or reviews which also clear their
    motive, and that is also happening with this article which I amconstantly i used to read smaller articles or reviews which also clear their
    motive, and that is also happening with this article which I am reading at this time. reading at this time.


The copyright in all text and photographs, except as noted, belongs to David Masse.