Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Spam anyone?

Some posts attract spam like bees to honey.  My recent post using the words "calling cards" worked like gangbusters.

I am quite diligent about deleting spam.

That's not to say it's worthless. In fact, it can be pretty entertaining.

The fractured grammar and syntax; the generous helpings of malapropisms; the absence of even the most tenuous logical link to the subject at hand; the clumsy compliments; the absurdly ingratiating tone: the list of clownish qualities just goes on, and on.

It's truly not such bad comedy. Inspector Clouseau raised malapropisms and fractured accent, syntax and syllables to the status of revered high comedy (at least for some of us)... Does your dag baiite?

I've decided that we all deserve to be amused, to bask in the silliness. Why should I horde all the fun and keep it to myself?  It doesn't seem right.

The problem with spam is that it's always so jarringly out of place.  There you are having a chat with your friends, sitting on a patio (here they are "terrasses" - vive la différence!) enjoying some Sangria, basking in the warmth of the sun, exchanging pleasantries, and then this far-too-earnest, type-A clown sits down, honks his rubber nose, and peers into your friend's purse inquisitively.  That's spam.

Now give spam an appropriate context, and the whole thing might flip around. Drag that clown back to the circus, throw him in the ring with a lion or two, or, if you have a large number of clowns, let them drive themselves into the ring in something fitting like an original Austin Mini, or a Fiat Cinquecento.  That'll get some belly-laughs for sure.

Sometimes it's not the act, it's the venue.  This post will be my spam honeypot.  The ring, if you prefer.

How more specially ironic could it be for a post on spam to attract... spam?

To demonstrate my serious commitment to this post, and to the topic of spam, I bought some Spam on a whim.  I hadn't had Spam in a very, very, very long time.  I must have been twelve, thirteen tops.  I only ever liked it sauteed in a pan, so that's what I did.

In its defence it has a very delicate moist texture and acquires a nice golden crust if you treat it just right in the pan.  In hommage to Monty Python, I made myself Spam and eggs.  Well, Spam and egg, actually, over easy... Well how about Spam, eggs, sausage and Spam then? That's not got much Spam in'it!

Let's look at its qualities.  It's hermetically sealed in a can, but remains quite easy to open, even without tools.  That's a plus if you're ever stuck on a desert island with a shipment of Spam but no toolsThat's it, that's all I've got.

On the liability side of balance sheet, getting the Spam out of the can was less easy than I would have liked.

Moving on to flavour and nutrition, well it wasn't quite as entirely delicious as I remembered, and nutritionally there's something about the sugar content that's off, that, and the chemicals.  The good news is that you can get your entire monthly sodium requirement put to bed with a single slice.  How's that for culinary efficiency!

In the end, Spam is to elegant dining what spam is to a good beach novel.  Spam might earn a permanent spot in your emergency preparedness supplies though.  That said, you might prefer a decent varmint rifle instead.  That will help to keep your starving neighbors at bay, and give you an opportunity to hunt for tasty small game, like squirrels.  Regrettably, there is no known alternative use for spam.  Except maybe this post.

If, in the fullness of time, this post does attract its share of spam, I'm going to leave it be.

All that's left to do is bait the trap.  Have you tried online gambling? I hear it's better than Las Vegas! Escorts in Vegas are only $49.95 an hour!!  I'd go there in my monster truck as long as there was plenty of ammunition for my guns, and liquor for the evenings.  I think I'll use my calling card, no wait, my credit card, I pay it off so it's free credit, to book a room.  Or I could wait a few days and take out a payday loan.  I wonder if they've updated the porn channel at the Super 8...

That should just about do it.

My advice to you, my good reader, is enjoy the spam comments, but, by all means, don't click on the links.  No good can come of it.  Like inviting clowns to a formal dinner.

Does the clown association have a gala with awards?


SonjaM said...

I don't have spam for you... I am vegan ;-)
But you put so many trigger words into your post that you'll get plenty.

Let's get out the popcorn, lay back and enjoy the show.

RichardM said...

"In the end, Spam is to elegant dining what spam is to a good beach novel. "

You must have never been to Hawaii where Spam is a premium ingredient in some circles.

Unknown said...


In NL Spam is known as Newfie Steak. We had a Newfie breakfast when we were there and it was about an inch thick piece of spam (steak) and eggs.

We went to a few Hawai'ian grocery stores and I snapped a few photos of their Spam selection. They had shelves of different brands. Here in Safeway they only have a small section.

You seem much happier these days contemplating your new Liberal government

A weekend photographer or Riding the Wet Coast

Coop a.k.a. Coopdway said...

:) That Should just about do it.

We live in Spam homeland but I'm a lot more interested in that other of which you seek. I receive many spam-type visits on the blog but the built in filter does a very good job of screening the worthless.

The City Mouse in the Country said...

I actually shared this wonderful piece of spam on Facebook and considered a post on my blog as well. For your amusement: ""An accident while cycling changes all that; however, Bell
helmets will give you the right riding clothing and position a
rider can protect their testicles. If you cycle on the right foot in a
race by any means. In January 2005, team sponsors met at a hotel or
resort on your holiday. Simply including some aquatic plants
in the aquarium will take care of all bike issues ofthe cyclists.
Yet getting the best shoes for cyclocross pedals racing- for now!" "

Trobairitz said...

I too have to chuckle at some of the spam contents. Most are screened out by blogger but I go into the spam filter and read/delete them for amusement.

I have a post I did on the garden several years ago and the feature plant was a Black Lace Sambucus (Elderberry). Wanna guess how much spam I get on a post title that includes the words 'black lace'?

David Masse said...

Watch Sonja, the spammers will avoid the bait.

David Masse said...

My deepest apologies to Hawaiians everywhere.

That's next year's destination. At least I have a year to make amends.

David Masse said...

Actually Richard, the Master Chef competition did a segment in Hawaii, and if I'm not mistaken Spam was a required ingredient.

Deb said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I spit my coffee across the counter! Ha ha!

I never thought about it. Key words, that is, attracting these weird replies to my blog. Now I get it!

Anyway, your pic of meaty Spam in the frying pan reminded me of my childhood. My mom used to fry it up and serve it with eggs and tomatoes.

And you're right, it is quite tasty with a crispy shell and a soft, warm interior. God only knows what it is made out of.

I don't wanna know. Don't tell me!

Hilarious post!

David Masse said...

Bob, now we really have to get to Hawaii.

What I want to know is, did you enjoy the 'steak' and eggs?

And yes, I am much, much happier.

David Masse said...

Doug I knew you live in the Hormel heartland.

I hope I didn't tread too heavily on sacred mid-west lands.

David Masse said...

Yes Rob! That's what I'm talking about... bring it on spammers, do your best (worst... wurst?).

David Masse said...

Thanks Brandy, that comment will rope'em in, if anything will.

David Masse said...

Thanks Deb, much appreciated!

Now if we could just get some spam...

Canajun said...

David - Great post! I too last had Spam many decades ago, fried or in school lunches. I'll have to try some again just to see how far I've progressed(?) from my Spam-eating days, but that will require the missus to be out of the house for a day or two as I'm not allowed to have many of my childhood favourites in the house (in addition to Spam those would include canned spaghetti and Kraft Dinner). But I digress. This post should attract all sorts of good stuff for your amusement for, as Inspector Clouseau also said, "There is much more going on here than meets the ear.".

David Masse said...

Dave, Kraft Dinner! I loved it the first time I tasted it, and I still love it! Along with bread, it's my only food constant.

I kid you not, based on the setting where I first ate it, I couldn't have been more than four, because my sister who is five years my junior wasn't born. I love Kraft Dinner.

Fortunately I'm being such a good boy losing weight and eating healthy stuff, that Susan looks the other way when I do silly things like buying a can of Spam.

When I was in private practice one of my partners had a client who often mixed his metaphors. The gentleman wore a wig, and not a good one, if you know what I mean.

Try keeping a straight face in a client meeting when your client in the bad wig exclaims "man, that makes my hair spin!!".

David Masse said...

I have had no spam since I put this post up. Nothing. Not on this post, not on any post.

Could it be that overtly posting about spam acts as a disturbance in the matrix that wards off spam?

Maybe posting about spam puts the spammers in the awkward, uncomfortable and unusual position of realizing that their spam post will actually have some perceived value, which causes neural confusion, preventing them from posting.

It could be like lions extending an invitation to hyenas. It's just possible that would be enough to keep them away.

The food chain and the jungle can be a peculiar and perplexing place.

David Masse said...

Here's one! I'm cheating a little. I just fished it out of the spam filter:

"Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone! Feel free to surf to my webpage; Party Hairstyles"

Unknown said...


I don't get much spam. I get money offers

Dear Sir / Madam,
My name is Salah Giuma Yahmed of Libya. I am a Personal Aide to the Late President of Libya, Col Muammar Gaddafi. Until his death I was directly responsible to the late President in charge special duties. I handled several funds deposits to banks and Security Companies for the Late President in Europe, Africa and many other countries for his private use. Presently the government of Libya has started discovering some of the fund the former Leader stashed out of the country.
Read below: http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/06/02/us-safrica-libya-idUSBRE95107R20130602
In the course of my duty I personally diverted twenty five million United States Dollars for my personal use. The money is presently deposited with a Brokerage and Finance Company in South Africa as classified document and family jewelries for safe keeping. I am presently staying in Europe where I am seeking political asylum.
I therefore solicit your understanding, cooperation and assistance for the release of the Twenty million five hundred thousand United States dollars into your nominated account for a partnership investment with you. The fund would remain in your full custody but not without written agreement until I obtain necessary travel papers. For your assistance, I have two options. Firstly you can choose to have 20% of the total money for your assistance. Alternatively I go into partnership business with you. In all, a binding agreement would be drafted and agreed upon, duly signed by both parties.
Upon your immediate response, I would be communicating to you all the necessary information and relevant depository documents with the company. Please note! It is very important you appreciate this rare trust borne out of desperation for my life and continued survival of my family. Please treat with understanding and utmost confidentiality for security reasons. Your reply to: giumasalah1@mynet.com
Your prompt response will be appreciated.
Sincere regards,
Salah Giuma

A weekend photographer or Riding the Wet Coast

David Masse said...

Bob, now I know how you finance your stable of cool bikes and fast cars.

Unknown said...


then why is my diet Kraft Dinner ? with meat balls ?

A weekend photographer or Riding the Wet Coast

David Masse said...

Bob, because KD is the most democratic of all foods. You'll find it in all pantries, from poor to mega rich, and loved and eaten by people from every background. It's genius!!

RichardM said...

Okay, now you got my curiosity up. What is a "Kraft Dinner"? Mac & cheese?

Gary France said...

I find this post very informative and helpful. What a wonderful blog you have written, so full of useful information. I find the use of (insert product here) very advantageous when I am riding my motorcycle because it is a very fine and useful thing.

David Masse said...

Oh dear yes, mac n' cheese. e-mail me your address and I'll send you some. david@masse.org

David Masse said...

Gary, your spam post is excellent, and most welcome here. Nicely done :)

Deb said...

I get these weird responses to my posts too!

I would in no way be able to duplicate them-you guys are hilariously on target though!

Yeah, what is "Kraft Dinner"?

Trobairitz said...

Did you cause a ripple in the spam-time continuum?

David Masse said...

Brandy I was hoping I had, but the spam just keeps coming. It was just a blip. I'm waiting for some good ones and I'll stick some in here. The ones I've gotten and not nearly bad enough to be worth re-posting.

David Masse said...

Deb, it's sold in the US as Kraft Mac & Cheese.

David Masse said...

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len@RE-GLAZE-IT said...

Hi David ,
Hope alls well...spam..umm
I don't understand what a Kraft dinner is ??

David Masse said...

Len, according to Wikipedia it's sold labelled as "... Macaroni Cheese or Cheesey Pasta in the United Kingdom, [it's] a packaged dry macaroni and cheese mix..."

David Masse said...

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len@RE-GLAZE-IT said...

Hi David ,
Thanks for the update on Kraft - dinners ....I now know what you mean;)
As for the comments/spam above what do people gain from putting useless comments on your blog....another one I don't understand ?

David Masse said...

I know Len, it's nuts. It's one of the mysteries of the internet. I'd love to know more. I imagine they are semi-literate people, maybe kids, in some backwater third world slum, paid pennies to post drivel on blogs all day with links to pirated fake luxo goods, video games, and other flotsam.

David Masse said...

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David Masse said...

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David Masse said...

Anonymous, you're welcome. And yes, it does make you think. The weird thing, is that you're right, your comment, while it is spam, is also relevant to the post. In that way, it deserves to be published.

Strange, no?

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David Masse said...

Dear Anonymous,

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So it's fitting, I suppose that a disingenuous call for help receive precious little in the way of a helpful response.

Making this exchange entirely useless. 'Content free' would be an appropriate label if it could be bottled and sold on store shelves.

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David Masse said...

Language is our defining human trait. It has such power.

Then again, there is spam.

This one leaves me scratching my head : “constantly i used to read smaller articles or reviews which also clear their
motive, and that is also happening with this article which I amconstantly i used to read smaller articles or reviews which also clear their
motive, and that is also happening with this article which I am reading at this time. reading at this time.

The copyright in all text and photographs, except as noted, belongs to David Masse.